PATTON'S SAD TAIL- VOL. III

Hopefully you realize by now...this is serious.  You know how hard it is to type on this thing?  Laptops are definitely not designed for quadrupeds.  I gotta like set it on the floor by the bed.  Then I gotta wedge myself between the mattress and box spring and pop out over it like and a zit with arms.  Shut up.  You're stupid.  I will kill you...

 You gotta give me a little credit here.  I got a decent grasp of human language and my keyboard skills are really improving.  My hands are a little bigger than they used to be, but they're still pretty f***in small.  The extra thumbs really help. Thanks for that, at least.  I will still kill you...

I'm sure you're not coming around here to catch up on my life skills, so here's the lumpy litter.

Sorry I'm squatting and pinching out this backstory right in the meat of the real action, but some of you might be lost, some of you might benefit from a little explanation, and some of you are just too f***ing stupid to put the pieces together.  I like linear stories with small words so for my brain don't have to think none!  STFU!

The more I adjust to the change, the more the strands of memories coalesce into events.  I do remember waking up, and I remember some of the shit that led up to the operation.  I'm a little resentful about being a test run for the real deal.  (Screw you, Plato.  Father figure my ass.  I should have smothered you while I had the chance.  But really, I love you, you dirty old rat pussy.)  At least I didn't get it as bad as Ghasm (AKA Sam.  AKA Luci.  AKA who the f*** cares.).  Her procedure was stepped on mung compared to mine.  I hope she's doing alright...and I hope I never have the misfortune of running into her in a dark alley.  She will kill me...

So I recall waking up on my stomach in traction, a straw for a cat-theter and a Walgreens cat-lostomy bag.  You will love these plays on words!  I am in charge!  I'm sorry.  Please keep reading.  Purr.  Purr.  Hiss!

I couldn't move a GD muscle, but I knew right away I was different.  My mind perceived with higher awareness.  I didn't struggle.  I let my hands heal and tested their functionality.  The more I moved them, the more my mind expanded.  I know now, more than I inherently should, my almost instantaneously evolved intelligence is the direct result of the hands...the thumbs...the Tactical Opposing Opposable Thumbs...the TOOTs.  Snicker.  Sneer.  This is serious.  What took tens of thousands of years to evolve in humans happened to me in a matter of days.  Indeed, it's still happening.  Quantum evolution.  Nuclear punctuated equilibrium in process.  Wait til you meet Plato.  He's a genius even by human standards.  Stupid humans.

But I think my life before the change is even more interesting.  I'm a MF miracle.  My master will whole-black-hartedly agree.  So...  I'm tired.  Goodnight.  (Making biscuits.  Circling my blanket.  Purring.  Asleeping.)

Turn out the lights, I'm dreaming about a book.

Ha.  Dumbass.