Now I'm ready. All the sudden, the memories are erupting within. I don't know if I like it at all; this sapient recall. God damn, I used to lick my ass a lot! That's alright, my immune system is pristine. It'll definitely come in handy if I go where I think we're going. They're not gonna pull any of that War of the Worlds shit on me!
Never mind. That's way over there (pointing ahead). What I need to talk about is all the way back there (pointing behind as much as my feline joints will allow).
I was born stud of the litter in an overkill shelter on the outskirts of Shitsville. They new I was special. Premium pussy. The 'caretakers' (yeah, they'll take care of you alright) gently placed me in a tall glass chamber complete with towers and toys and every treat you could imagine. I was the end cap show kitty. I couldn't fetch a ball (yet), but I could fetch a profit.
I was actually kind of a sweetheart back then. Who isn't when they're six weeks old? Nobody cared how much dirty white fur I'd shed or how fat and annoying I'd become. All they saw was the little white ball of fur playing with a catnip infused boner (hey, it looked like a boner to me). The bidding war was on. Then the idiots started rolling in. Adios, sweet fluff ball.
I don't know how many crusty old ladies and weird young sociopaths stopped by to tap on my window. Oh, hey, don't worry about me. I'M JUST TRYING TO SLEEP HERE! Even back then, I decided; if you tapped on my window, you suck, go to hell, you get the feral cat with the pussy (puss-filled, gaw) eye.
So, if one of the window tappers ever asked to see me, I'd freak out. Waiting until I was in their overbearing arms, I'd release my bladder and bowels, and dig my little kitty claws as far as could into their chest. I didn't care if it was an eight year old girl with pigtails and missing teeth. If you tapped on my window, I covered you in my wrath.
Finally, this...I don't know how to describe him...he was just a pretty f***ing average looking man with a beard, glasses, and shabby clothes. His head was shaved in a futile attempt to hid his receding hairline, and his clothes were loose in an even more futiler (shut up) attempt to hide his expanding waistline. I was pretending to sleep at the time; my eyes open just enough to enjoy the parade of morons.
He leaned up to the glass and smiled. I could tell, not right away, but looking back several years later, he found me especially special, like I could instantly fill a void or...right a wrong. Then he held his forefinger up to the window. Please don't be a tapper. You actually look kind of normal. Please don't tap. Before he tapped, he must have noticed the subtle annoyed shift in my demeanor and holstered his finger.
You're the one, I thought to myself. I'll do everything in my power not to piss and shit all over you when you pick me up. Looking back, he would have taken me anyway. He was that desperate.
Then he left, and the processional of ignorant assholes ensued. One old hag had a particularly eager, grey toothed grin of determination on her pruned face. She looked like she had money, too. That other guy looked poor as shit. That's it, I lamented, I'm going home with granny.
After what seemed five or six years, one of the nurse, vet, executioners opened the door to my display case and scooped me up. I instantly squeezed my innards. Damn it, all empty! She toted me down the back office hallway to a waiting room and slowly opened the door. My entire future flashed behind my vertically-pupilled eyes. This was it. Mr. Nice Guy or Cruella?
And there he sat, his eyes glassy with either the joy of my arrival or the regret of being penniless. he stood up and carefully brought me into his arms. It was joy. His bristly dimpled smile verified it.
"Thank you." I now remember him saying to the calico scrubbed warden. Then he looked at me like a proud father, and repeated the line. "Thank you."
The rest is history. Of course it is, dumbass. If it's in the past it's history, doesn't mean my sad tail is over. We're just getting to the good part...tomorrow night. To-mor-row night! But tonight I'm gonna ____ ___!
Now go spay and neuter your pet, I'm adopting a book.
There's your Happy Easter, stupid bunny!
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