TAKE THAT, OBSTACLES!

Alright, we're making progress!  It's about to get crazy scary!

BOO!  Just kidding...  ...  ...

SO!  I you may have noticed, I fixed the email feed.  Not only the header, but the delivery time.  It's all in feedburner!  I'm writing this down primarily to remind myself if when I forget.  All you need to know is Bad Ass Sci Fi and Horror Ghasm will not be denied!

Also, new email address- badassscifi@gmail.com is live!

Also, also, I'm fed up with facebook, so https://www.facebook.com/badassscifi/ will be republished and started from scratch.

I may be stupid and ignorant and unteachable and unable to learn from my mistakes, but I'm no quitter...sometimes.  I'm like this!

A couple of new things to share other than the previous momentous tidbits I just shared-

1. A few...decades ago, I was a founding member of the brief and unsuccessful Undead Psycho Zombie Cannibal Movie Reviewers From Hell Club.  I wanna get that going again, I an expanded, updated format.  I mean, this is what our form looked like (As I say, this was many, many, many years ago!).  You down, RJT?

2. I'm gonna add a separate page for Horror Ghasm.  I know the main site is Bad Ass Sci Fi, but I can't escape the HORROR!  There are many conflicts in mood, genre, tone, and voice all up throughout my business!  Still, I'll figure it out.

3. Not giving up on other formats of communication; FB, twitter, wordpress, blogger, and other networking opportunities.  A necessary evil, but I'm all about evil!

4. I'm gonna keep writing!  Lots o' shtuff to get out there!

Yes, I know these posts aren't very scary or Bad Ass, but it takes work to get things up and running and maintained.  If I could afford a techie...never mind.

Now don't bother me, I'm feedburning a book!

Kirk

WHATEVER IT TAKES

Don't get excited, I'm just playing around with the format...again, and wondering why the hell my post feed still shows up as HORROR GHASM, even though I've tried to change it about a bunch of times.

Also, I'm about to quit facebook because I've tried to merge my Halteres/Bad Ass Sci Fi pages for over a year now, and nothing.

It's real hard for an introvert to network and market, especially when technology SUCKS!

So, I'm distracting myself and procrastinating by playing around with themes and layouts and backgrounds and blah, blah, blah...

Anyway, I'll keep it short, because it's just a test, and I really want to pass.

Until I get, well, something figured out, don't bother me.  I'm trying not to let the stray eyebrow hair in my peripheral vision from distracting me from writing a book.

Eyebrows, drums, Animal, Keith Moon, Dave Grohl...hmmm...

 

EVOLUTION OF AN IDEA

I may just be a late inning substitute, but I'm f**kin' clutch!  I got it all figured out.  Mister Master is too proud to admit he's in over his head in his own head and all over and doesn't have shit figured out.  From what I've gathered from his mind, it's gone down something like this-

A single idea-

Fractured into a thousand peripheral sparks-

 

Something a little more concrete-

Then a foray into the Bad Ass-

Now an even Badder Ass excuse to avoid real work-

But getting lost back here-

And held up by the hope provided by this; a single idea.

 

No, I didn't create any of these graphics.  He did.  Instead of doing what he should, he wastes time on this crap.  Hey, peckerhead!  Get your shit out there!  It needs work.  You need help; I mean serious, professional help, but some of your stupid crap is kinda good!  And hey, numb-nuts, get to work on my story.  Make it a love story.  Call it- Ghasm- A Love Story- Read it or weep...tears of blood and bile.  Or whatever, just get to work.

Alright, leave us all alone.  We're creating a GMO (genetically modified opus).

BOO!  Shut up.  If Denise Richards can be a starship captain, anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can do whatever the hell they want!

FEAR- AGGREGATE, PROCESS, CACHE AND SERVE

I find out what scares you.  I collect it.  I study it.  I save it.  And when the time is wrong, I dispense it in large doses.  That's what I do.  It's not on purpose, it is my purpose.

Is it faint scratching under your bed as you try to find comfort in sleep?  Is it the open door at the end of a dark hallway?  Is it glowing eyes in the moonlit night, watching you as you watch them?  Is it the realization that no matter who you are, or how much you have, everyone dies alone?

Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you...right away.  That would defeat the purpose; my purpose.  I'm going to play with you a little first.  I'm going to bat your nerves around like a paralyzed mouse.  I'm going to show you some love.  After all, you're helping me achieve my goals.

You may even get to know me a little before you perish.  I may even let you live, if only to serve me.  Hey, it's probably a higher calling than you had before!

But I'm not ready yet.  I've just been shown my new life.  My story is just beginning.  Shit, I just got my logo!  Wanna see it?

Shut up (By the way, when I say this, it's not like an angry order.  It's more of a preemptive defensive quip said to deflect possible unflattering thoughts or remarks.).  Anyway, I don't care if you like it, but your approval might increase your odds of living when we meet.

You might be saying, 'How is this in any way related to Bad Ass Sci Fi?  This sounds more like an aimless digression into hack horror.'.  Shut up.  I mean it this time.  I am the linchpin, the lodestone at the center of the universes of Halteres and Opposable.  Others may disagree (stupid Plato and Patton), but believe me, there is no hope for a happy ending without me.  Irony!

So, if we should ever meet, you should just let me kill you, or 'enlist' you.  Offer yourself to me.  You'll be helping the planet.  You'll be a f**king hero!  You're welcome.

Now leave me alone, I'm aggregating a book.

FRUITLESS FRUITION

I have to give ol' Billy Bob some credit.  He's had some pretty kooky ideas.  Granted, they weren't his to begin with, but he took them for his own and tried to create something just a little different, just a little stupid, just a little disgusting, and just a little fun.  I think where he went wrong lies in his motivations.

What was he really expecting to result from his endeavors?  Was he really expecting to become some overnight sensation just because he crapped out a few regurgitated ideas on the page?  He needed to take more pleasure in the process, appreciate the feeling he got while creating what he thought was unique, even though he was stealing it from the collective conscious of the universe.

The creative process is its own reward.  To expect anything beyond that, and to use these selfish desires to motivate you, defeats the purpose of inspiration, no matter how fabricated that inspiration may be.

Take me, for example.  I'm a product of his creativity.  I am the fruit.  I am rotten, but I'm still edible, so eat me.  You will choke on me.  I'm sorry...kill...there is a point to my indiscretionary digressions.

My motivations are clearly defined; convert, breed, and kill.  I am the fruit.  I am the queen, the mother, the monster of evolution.  My design is unnatural, but my purpose is inherent.  Given a human mind through the arrogance of another's.

Now I am unleashed.  I am the fruit, the root, the choking vine, until the world is mine.  My desires don't veer far from his.  I will become an overnight sensation, and the next day, I will rule.  The difference is, I take great pleasure in the process; convert, breed, kill.  I am the fruit.

I thank the master for making me who I am now.  I do not mourn for the loss of what was before.  My instinct cancels regret, and leaves only purpose.  This is how it should be done.  Create, and destroy, without apprehension or aspiration, for it is the nature of things.  Those who behold can either run with the tide, or be trampled under the claws of progress.

I hope you follow me.  You better hope you follow me.  I am Ghasm.  I am the fruit.  I am fruition.  I am a priori.  I am inevitable.  You will pay for my consequences (RJT ;)).

And yes, tomatoes are fruit...as well.

Now, keep your distance.  I'm picking a low hanging book.

HORROR VS TERROR VS THAT'S JUST F***ING NASTY

“The 3 types of terror: The Gross-out: the sight of a severed head tumbling down a flight of stairs, it's when the lights go out and something green and slimy splatters against your arm. The Horror: the unnatural, spiders the size of bears, the dead waking up and walking around, it's when the lights go out and something with claws grabs you by the arm. And the last and worse one: Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It's when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there's nothing there...”
― Stephen King

You gotta give it to good ol' Stevie, he's figured it out.  Be prolific, be formulaic, and come up with enough crazy ideas to keep your shit selling.  I don't hate him, I'm jealous.  Okay, I'm a little pissed.  He had that one thing, the Cat's Eye, taken partially from his Night Shift collection.  Yeah, let's blame little trolls for stealing children's breath in the middle of the night.  And, AND, make the cat the savior.  No, we do that.  We steal your breath.  We stalk.  We kill.  We attack and shred your limbs when you dangle them over the bed while you sleep.  But it's okay to keep thinking we don't...SLICE!

Now, back to this whole Terror vs Horror vs Gorror bullshtuff.  I'm not gonna kid you or myself.  I'm not gonna claim to be holier than thou like some people (see above), and say, 'Terror is the noblest of the genres, and the less skilled will resort to Horror, and Gorror is reserved for the truly inept and exploitative.'  I just quoted myself.  Suck it.

Let's get real.  Society has changed.  We live in an immediate, visceral world.  Terror just isn't terrifying anymore.  Also, people are pretty stupid these days.  You gotta slice them across the face with violence and gore to get their attention.  But what about...?  Shut up.

Take me, for example.  No, take Patton first.  He did it the old fashioned way.  He built tension, ratcheted up the terror, then thrust a big ol' dose of horror on those sumbitches!  Then, THEN, before he even got to the gorror, Sir Spanks-a-lot, AKA Billy Bob Dick, cuts the scene.  And you're left wondering, 'What's gonna happen next?'  And then your imagination takes over, and if you're anything like me, you're f**ked.  Did you even read the STALKER chapter?  READ IT!

I do things a little differently.  I build terror through horror and gorror.  You'll not see me until the very end, after my damage has been wrought.  You may hear the scraping of my blades, see the evil shimmer of my fangs in the dim moonlight, smell my rotting fur, taste the foul air as I poison it with vile intent, and feel the thumbscrews of death as I twist them around you.  

Then I get bored.  That's when the severed arm crashes through your patio door.  That's when your heart stops.  That's when you see this...

And that's when you're dead.  You're just...f***ing...dead.  I'm not sorry and it is personal.  If I killed you, you know you deserved it.  You all deserve it!  I will not stop until every last one of you is a rotting feline buffet!  

Are you still there?  Sorry, I get a little excited when I'm thinking about eradicating you assholes.  Then I have to remind myself, I'm not quite ready to tackle that chore yet, and until I am, I may need some of you.  You know, somebody has to supply the bullets.

So, until I strike again, don't bother me.  I'm terrorizing a book.

And you wonder why...

 

THE LOST BOYS NEAR DARK ON A FRIGHT NIGHT

Most of my miserable life lies dormant in a chrysalis of hate, but it's time likes these that a little joy peckers its stupid little beak in.  The Cryptomorph emerges, rattles the collective amygdala, and retracts into darkness.

"...the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself..."

That's good.  I like that.  I have no fear; I am fear.  So, fear me.

No, wait.  Don't run away.  I'm not all bad.  Shhh.  (wink)  You like movies?  You like scary movies?  You like vampire movies?  I know Xeno does.  This is for him.  Kill...

Let me wipe the filth of what Patton did to this beautiful blog with his 'Bad Ass Sci Fi Movie Countdown' by injecting a little pure horror into the mix.

'Let's go by year!', NO!  'Let's do a top 10 or 12 or whatever!', HELL NO!  'Let's stick to the 80s!', FOR F**KS SAKE...okay.

Yeah, there are almost 50 movies that contain at least some element of vampirism given limited to wide release during the blood sucking 80s .  I'm gonna narrow my discussion primarily to three (with a few others thrown in for Nosferatu's nostalgia's sake).

Well, as much as I like suspense, let's puncture this virgin.

• Fright Night (Released- Aug 2, 1985)- Tom Holland-  This movie sucks you in with an ominous YA, vampire next door feel, but believe me, it's got a nasty heart.  The effects are (mostly) awesome, aside from some prosthetic chomper slurring.  You won't get that from me.  The awkward sexual undertones are also hard to dismiss.  The pervy, cradle-robbing, vampire next door...yeah.  But, it's a creepily fun ride with some cheesy 80s humor, cheesier 80s effects, and the cheesiest 80s new wave soundtrack this side of the next movie I'm gonna talk about.

Nice try, Colin, but the remake sucked, and so do you!

• The Lost Boys (Released- July 31, 1987)- Joel Schumacher- This is the Brat Pack's vampire movie.  I think if it were remade today, Michael Bay would probably direct it, Cara Delevingne, Nicholas Hoult, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Zak Efron would star, and it would suck...and I would watch it about ten times.  But I digress.  In the actual, original Lost Boys, there's Kiefer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Jason Patrick, Alex Winter (Bill & Ted), and of course, Coreys Feldman and Haim.  It's a slick, relatively soulless movie with great effects and a super awesome 80s soundtrack featuring the shirtless, oiled up, saxophone playing Tim Capello doing The Call's 'I Still Believe'.

SO COOL...

• Near Dark (Released- Oct. 2, 1987)- Kathryn Bigelow- Here's my personal favorite.  It bucks the trend of 80s cheese.  It's dark, but still funny as hell.  And its soundtrack is by far the best of the lot, featuring a score by Tangerine Dream (Risky Business) and John Parr's one awesome 80s hit, 'Naughty Naughty', in the infamous bar scene.  Plus, the movie has Bill Paxton's third most quotable performance (Behind Aliens and Weird Science), Lance Henriksen, Janette Goldstein (Vasquez from Aliens), and Joshua John Miller (the annoying kid from River's Edge).  Bigelow was dating James Cameron at the time, stole a bunch of the actors from Aliens and even put James in the movie as a cameo.  The movie is a slow 'burn'; atmospheric and, at times, slowly paced, but the combined elements really work for me.

Same basic shot as Lost Boys, but somehow, just a little more Bad Ass!

I would throw Lifeforce in there, but stupid Patton already wrote about this sexy, naked, alien vampire movie.  80s vampire movies range from the deranged (Lair of the White Wrom and The Hunger) to the ridiculous (Once Bitten, featuring Jim Carrey, and Vampire's Kiss, starring Nicolas Cage).  To me, discussion about the best vampire movie of the 80s begins and ends with the three movies I mentioned above

But just for hisses and giggles, let's see what you think.  Here's a link to a poll.  Take it!

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/RSQHPFL

Now don't bother me...look how cute I was.

Remember that while I'm stealing your breath as you sleep.

HORROR GHASM

It's been a long time since I killed a soul.  Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time.
 Yes it has.  You feel safe now.  Good.  Time to strike.  But first, let me put your nerves on edge.

I'll tell you right now, I'm not happy.  Being this is a public forum, I gotta keep it 'relatively' clean.  Hssssss!

If you wanna get the video nasty version of my life, comment below or get in touch with my stupid master.  He'll be dumb enough to send it to you.

If it sounds like I hate the 'man' who 'saved' 'me', I do.  I really do.  It's a deep loathing that borders on despair.  It's complicated.  Shut up.  This is an actual portrait the butthead made of me almost 10 years ago (well before I got real nasty)!

So, I got little love for Billy Bob Dick, and even less for Patton.  Even when it appears I'm helping them out, I'm drawing them deeper into my world; one in which they will serve me.  The only one who may, MAY, avoid my wrath, is Plato.  He may be allowed to sit by my side, and tongue-bathe me, as I domesticate this miserable planet.  Too much?  Not enough.  Watch.

I crawl into your sleep,

float away behind the realm of dream.

I am black ink in warm water.

I am hot vapor in cold air.

I emerge through your unconscious thought.

I spark rapid eye movement.

Terror.

I am the mind wraith.

I am the nerve bludgeoner.

I am the moment after dread,

The moment you know you're dead.

I am the Cryptomorph.

Now don't bother me.  Worry.  I'll return to bother you, but until then...

Watch your back.

 

BAD ASS SCI FI 1986-89 - ALIENS FLY ROBOCOP INTO THE ABYSS AND THEY LIVE

The 80's finished off with a Bad Ass bang!  While I was graduating high school and attending a prestigious university in Des Moines, Iowa, some of the finest science fiction films ever fell to earth.

Well, let's pull the pin on it already!  At the end, I'll pleasure you with my official (but ever fluxing) top...umm...10...yeah...for now.

• 1986- Aliens- James Cameron- Released July 18, 1986- The greatest sequel of all time.  The greatest sci fi/action movie of all time.  Beginning to end, the most exhilarating film experience I've ever had.  I remember watching this movie for the first time in the balcony of a huge, single screen movie theater in Chicago.  Aliens blew me out the friggin door!  I couldn't catch my breath or stop talking about it for months afterwards.  I still can't stop talking about it!  Incredible effects for the time (Okay, some cheesy bluescreen, but still...), one of the best scores ever, and THE BEST dialogue in an action film, bar none.  Everyone in the film plays their characters to perfection; from Weaver, to Paxton, to Biehn, to Henriksen, to Henn.  The performance that rounds out the ensemble and takes slimy backstabbers to another level is Paul Reiser as Burke.  What an adorably vile POS!  Is this my number one?  You'll have to wait and find out!

• 1986- The Fly- David Cronenberg- Released Aug. 15, 1986- There he is!  This is Cronenberg's most commercially successful and arguably best movie.  I love the gore (sorry, I'm sick like that!).  Jeff Golblum is amazing in this film, and John Getz gives a very William Atherton-like (see Ghostbusters and Real Genius) as Stathis Borans, the scumbag boss of Gena Davis' reporter/love interest character.  He gets his hand and foot melted off by Brundlefly barf.  Awesome.  Hey, I even like the Eric Stoltz/Daphne Zuniga (The Sure Thing, Spaceballs) 1989 sequel!

• 1987- Robocop- Paul Verhoeven- Released July 17, 1987- NC-17 level violence, biting social commentary, one of the best movie scores ever, super hot mechanical engineers, and the incredible melting Emil!  Dialogue that rivals Aliens.  Characters that rival Aliens.  Humor that surpasses Aliens.  This movie was also poorly marketed.  Robocop?  That sounds stupid.  I was stupid.  This movie, probably more than any other on the list, defines Bad Ass Sci Fi.  Unrated, unhindered, unbelievable Bad Assness!  The three-headed boner of baddies bounces this flick beyond the competition.  You got Dick Jones (Ronny Cox) sticking it everyone in sight.  You got the late Miguel Ferrer as Bob Morton, the coke snorting, hooker snorting, cutthroat corporate climber from hell.  And, of course, Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith), the Baddest Baddie in Bad Ass Sci Fi history!  For those who doubt me, we have but one thing to say, 'Bitches leave!'

• 1987- Bad Taste- Peter Jackson- Released Dec. 11, 1987 (New Zealand)- Yes, that Peter Jackson.  His first live action movie.  An utterly disgusting, utterly hilarious little yarn about aliens who come to Earth, turn humans into fast food, share each other's regurgitated, green cottage cheese soup, and blow up sheep.  It's a must see.

• 1988- They Live- John Carpenter- Released Nov. 4, 1988- OBEY.  Highly underrated flick.  Plus, it boasts one of the longest fight scenes in movie history (member the South Park parody?).  Come on, it's John friggin Carpenter!

• 1989- The Abyss- James Cameron- Released Aug. 9, 1989- Yeah, it disappointed many, but I love this movie.  i saw this one at the Continental when the theater had one (yes, only one screen!).  The scene where the crane crashes down from the surface is one of the most tense I've ever experienced.  Ed Harris is outstanding in this movie.  The Abyss took a lot of chances, as was J.C.'s wont.  It hit some, missed others, but overall, I consider it a classic.  Plus, plus, the first fully realized water digital effect in movie history.

Whew!  There you have it!  So, how do the Bad Ass Sci Fi films in my last three post rank?  Alright, let's do it.  Top 10, starting at 12.

NUMBER 12...

NUMBER 11...
 

NUMBER 10...

NUMBER 9...

 

NUMBER 8...

 

NUMBER 7...

 

NUMBER 6...

 

NUMBER 5...

NUMBER 4...

NUMBER 3...

 

NUMBER 2...

AND THE NUMBER ONE BAD ASS SCI FI FLICK OF ALL TIME...  !  ...

Well, let me know what you think, no matter how wrong you are.

Until next decade, don't bother me, I'm on the freight elevator to a book! Going down!

You also love this one.  Love it!

1985- THE BADDEST ASS YEAR IN SCI FI FILM HISTORY (MAYBE)

During my exhaustive research on this subject and the year 1985, I discovered my favorite hockey player, Alex Ovechkin, was born one day (and 17 years) after me.  Ouch.  I also realized 1985 may be the greatest year in Bad Ass science fiction film history.  You disagree?  You think this may be overstated?  Shut up and observe.  Which is to say, drop everything and read, DEAR.

• Re-Animator- Stuart Gordon- Released Oct. 18, 1985- End of story.  Mic drop.  Door slammed.  Phone disconnected.  Loosely based on the H.P. Lovecraft masterpiece, Herbert West- Reanimator.  The greatest sci fi, horror, comedy of all time.  It is unsurpassed in its delicate balance of humor, romance, and vomit-inducing gore.  Yet another example of visionary schlock done with limited resources and backing.  I've got a soft spot for underdogs, like Jeffery Combs, who played Herbert West with such scene-mauling panache, it's hard not to fall in love with him.  I love him!  I put him right up there with Bruce Campbell as best B-movie actors ever.  I just said that.  Come at me.  This movie is definitely top five all time.  I'm still deciding the final order of that, so you'll just have to wait.
• Weird Science- John Hughes- Released Aug. 2, 1985- By far, the best John Hughes film.  Another hilariously offbeat Sci Fi flick.  I still think it's severely underrated.  Look past the goofy exterior, and there's some pretty subversive shtuff underneath...not really.  I just remember the night I saw this and 'Return of the Living Dead' as a double feature...at two different theaters.  That night changed my life...or maybe it was just the weed and 10 oz. Olys.  Still, pretty Bad Ass twin bill!  Plus, Bill Paxton as Chet?  Are you kidding me?  He's the greatest, and, ' It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, monkey dick.'

• Lifeforce- Tobe Hooper- Released June 21, 1985- Probably, no definitely, no absolutely the greatest British science fiction/naked cosmic vampire movie of all time and the most underrated movie on my list.  This movie has everything; naked cosmic vampires, alien comets, exploding zombies, hammy Yankee astronauts and even hammier Brit doctors, and really hot, naked cosmic vampires.  Again, I saw most of these movies for the first time in high school, so gimmie a friggin break!

• Brazil- Terry Gilliam- Released Dec. 18, 1985 (US)- The height of Terry Gilliam's genius; the second in the 'Trilogy of Imagination' films which include 'Time Bandits' and 'The Adventures of Baron Munchausen', and the first in the dystopian satire trilogy which includes '12 Monkeys' and 'Zero Theorem'.  Suffice to say, this is his best work, and the touchstone upon which all dystopian, bureaucracy run amok, juxtaposed technological evolution satire celluloid or digital vision is based.  A Gilliamesque sentence if I do say so myself.  It's influenced everything from Batman to Steampunk.  Pretty Bad Ass.
• Back to the Future- Robert Zemeckis- Released July 3, 1985- What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said.  I mostly wanted to see it for Huey Lewis' cameo as one of the talent show judges.  There.  This is a great movie!  It captured the 80's and the 50's perfectly.  Also, Crispin Glover, as George McFly, steals the movie for me.  'I'm your density.'  Classic.  
• Real Genius- Martha Coolidge- Released Aug. 7, 1985- Animal House meets Big Bang Theory meets Ghostbusters meets Goonies.  Very cool film and Val Kilmer's finest work.  Highly quotable and always good for multiple viewings.  The best brains over brawn sci fi flick around.  Plus, William Atherton (Peck from Ghostbusters) as the evil college professor!
• As if that wasn't enough to convince you that I'm right, here's more!
• Explorers- Ethan Hawk and River Phoenix.  Really good movie.  Really crappy ending.
• Enemy Mine- Dennis Quaid and Louis Gosset Jr.- Really cool concept.  Really boring movie.
• Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome- Really great franchise.  Really meh entry.
• Cocoon- Ron Howard- ummm...

So, there you have it, again.  Great year, great movies, and the Great 8 (Ovie)!  Next; 86-89.  We're gonna finish strong!

Until next time, don't bother me, I'm Re-Animating a book!

Remember this one?  You shouldn't.  It shoulda been thrown in with '83 or '84, but I couldn't stop laughing for a least a year after seeing it.

Books!  That's what destroyed the world in the first place!