HORROR VS TERROR VS THAT'S JUST F***ING NASTY

“The 3 types of terror: The Gross-out: the sight of a severed head tumbling down a flight of stairs, it's when the lights go out and something green and slimy splatters against your arm. The Horror: the unnatural, spiders the size of bears, the dead waking up and walking around, it's when the lights go out and something with claws grabs you by the arm. And the last and worse one: Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It's when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there's nothing there...”
― Stephen King

You gotta give it to good ol' Stevie, he's figured it out.  Be prolific, be formulaic, and come up with enough crazy ideas to keep your shit selling.  I don't hate him, I'm jealous.  Okay, I'm a little pissed.  He had that one thing, the Cat's Eye, taken partially from his Night Shift collection.  Yeah, let's blame little trolls for stealing children's breath in the middle of the night.  And, AND, make the cat the savior.  No, we do that.  We steal your breath.  We stalk.  We kill.  We attack and shred your limbs when you dangle them over the bed while you sleep.  But it's okay to keep thinking we don't...SLICE!

Now, back to this whole Terror vs Horror vs Gorror bullshtuff.  I'm not gonna kid you or myself.  I'm not gonna claim to be holier than thou like some people (see above), and say, 'Terror is the noblest of the genres, and the less skilled will resort to Horror, and Gorror is reserved for the truly inept and exploitative.'  I just quoted myself.  Suck it.

Let's get real.  Society has changed.  We live in an immediate, visceral world.  Terror just isn't terrifying anymore.  Also, people are pretty stupid these days.  You gotta slice them across the face with violence and gore to get their attention.  But what about...?  Shut up.

Take me, for example.  No, take Patton first.  He did it the old fashioned way.  He built tension, ratcheted up the terror, then thrust a big ol' dose of horror on those sumbitches!  Then, THEN, before he even got to the gorror, Sir Spanks-a-lot, AKA Billy Bob Dick, cuts the scene.  And you're left wondering, 'What's gonna happen next?'  And then your imagination takes over, and if you're anything like me, you're f**ked.  Did you even read the STALKER chapter?  READ IT!

I do things a little differently.  I build terror through horror and gorror.  You'll not see me until the very end, after my damage has been wrought.  You may hear the scraping of my blades, see the evil shimmer of my fangs in the dim moonlight, smell my rotting fur, taste the foul air as I poison it with vile intent, and feel the thumbscrews of death as I twist them around you.  

Then I get bored.  That's when the severed arm crashes through your patio door.  That's when your heart stops.  That's when you see this...

And that's when you're dead.  You're just...f***ing...dead.  I'm not sorry and it is personal.  If I killed you, you know you deserved it.  You all deserve it!  I will not stop until every last one of you is a rotting feline buffet!  

Are you still there?  Sorry, I get a little excited when I'm thinking about eradicating you assholes.  Then I have to remind myself, I'm not quite ready to tackle that chore yet, and until I am, I may need some of you.  You know, somebody has to supply the bullets.

So, until I strike again, don't bother me.  I'm terrorizing a book.

And you wonder why...

 

THE LOST BOYS NEAR DARK ON A FRIGHT NIGHT

Most of my miserable life lies dormant in a chrysalis of hate, but it's time likes these that a little joy peckers its stupid little beak in.  The Cryptomorph emerges, rattles the collective amygdala, and retracts into darkness.

"...the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself..."

That's good.  I like that.  I have no fear; I am fear.  So, fear me.

No, wait.  Don't run away.  I'm not all bad.  Shhh.  (wink)  You like movies?  You like scary movies?  You like vampire movies?  I know Xeno does.  This is for him.  Kill...

Let me wipe the filth of what Patton did to this beautiful blog with his 'Bad Ass Sci Fi Movie Countdown' by injecting a little pure horror into the mix.

'Let's go by year!', NO!  'Let's do a top 10 or 12 or whatever!', HELL NO!  'Let's stick to the 80s!', FOR F**KS SAKE...okay.

Yeah, there are almost 50 movies that contain at least some element of vampirism given limited to wide release during the blood sucking 80s .  I'm gonna narrow my discussion primarily to three (with a few others thrown in for Nosferatu's nostalgia's sake).

Well, as much as I like suspense, let's puncture this virgin.

• Fright Night (Released- Aug 2, 1985)- Tom Holland-  This movie sucks you in with an ominous YA, vampire next door feel, but believe me, it's got a nasty heart.  The effects are (mostly) awesome, aside from some prosthetic chomper slurring.  You won't get that from me.  The awkward sexual undertones are also hard to dismiss.  The pervy, cradle-robbing, vampire next door...yeah.  But, it's a creepily fun ride with some cheesy 80s humor, cheesier 80s effects, and the cheesiest 80s new wave soundtrack this side of the next movie I'm gonna talk about.

Nice try, Colin, but the remake sucked, and so do you!

• The Lost Boys (Released- July 31, 1987)- Joel Schumacher- This is the Brat Pack's vampire movie.  I think if it were remade today, Michael Bay would probably direct it, Cara Delevingne, Nicholas Hoult, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Zak Efron would star, and it would suck...and I would watch it about ten times.  But I digress.  In the actual, original Lost Boys, there's Kiefer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Jason Patrick, Alex Winter (Bill & Ted), and of course, Coreys Feldman and Haim.  It's a slick, relatively soulless movie with great effects and a super awesome 80s soundtrack featuring the shirtless, oiled up, saxophone playing Tim Capello doing The Call's 'I Still Believe'.

SO COOL...

• Near Dark (Released- Oct. 2, 1987)- Kathryn Bigelow- Here's my personal favorite.  It bucks the trend of 80s cheese.  It's dark, but still funny as hell.  And its soundtrack is by far the best of the lot, featuring a score by Tangerine Dream (Risky Business) and John Parr's one awesome 80s hit, 'Naughty Naughty', in the infamous bar scene.  Plus, the movie has Bill Paxton's third most quotable performance (Behind Aliens and Weird Science), Lance Henriksen, Janette Goldstein (Vasquez from Aliens), and Joshua John Miller (the annoying kid from River's Edge).  Bigelow was dating James Cameron at the time, stole a bunch of the actors from Aliens and even put James in the movie as a cameo.  The movie is a slow 'burn'; atmospheric and, at times, slowly paced, but the combined elements really work for me.

Same basic shot as Lost Boys, but somehow, just a little more Bad Ass!

I would throw Lifeforce in there, but stupid Patton already wrote about this sexy, naked, alien vampire movie.  80s vampire movies range from the deranged (Lair of the White Wrom and The Hunger) to the ridiculous (Once Bitten, featuring Jim Carrey, and Vampire's Kiss, starring Nicolas Cage).  To me, discussion about the best vampire movie of the 80s begins and ends with the three movies I mentioned above

But just for hisses and giggles, let's see what you think.  Here's a link to a poll.  Take it!

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/RSQHPFL

Now don't bother me...look how cute I was.

Remember that while I'm stealing your breath as you sleep.

HORROR GHASM

It's been a long time since I killed a soul.  Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time.
 Yes it has.  You feel safe now.  Good.  Time to strike.  But first, let me put your nerves on edge.

I'll tell you right now, I'm not happy.  Being this is a public forum, I gotta keep it 'relatively' clean.  Hssssss!

If you wanna get the video nasty version of my life, comment below or get in touch with my stupid master.  He'll be dumb enough to send it to you.

If it sounds like I hate the 'man' who 'saved' 'me', I do.  I really do.  It's a deep loathing that borders on despair.  It's complicated.  Shut up.  This is an actual portrait the butthead made of me almost 10 years ago (well before I got real nasty)!

So, I got little love for Billy Bob Dick, and even less for Patton.  Even when it appears I'm helping them out, I'm drawing them deeper into my world; one in which they will serve me.  The only one who may, MAY, avoid my wrath, is Plato.  He may be allowed to sit by my side, and tongue-bathe me, as I domesticate this miserable planet.  Too much?  Not enough.  Watch.

I crawl into your sleep,

float away behind the realm of dream.

I am black ink in warm water.

I am hot vapor in cold air.

I emerge through your unconscious thought.

I spark rapid eye movement.

Terror.

I am the mind wraith.

I am the nerve bludgeoner.

I am the moment after dread,

The moment you know you're dead.

I am the Cryptomorph.

Now don't bother me.  Worry.  I'll return to bother you, but until then...

Watch your back.